time - look what's become of us

I see it's been a month since I've written. Finding the time to write is quite a challenge; I was told by other would-be-bloggers that this would be the case. I'm giving up knitting group this morning just to have 3 quiet hours to myself. I've been working tons of overtime at work in the past month and my life is severely out of balance. I keep thinking its temporary - just have to get through this new software rollout, but there's always something begging for attention, and more work comes in than I can put out, so it will always be this way at work. So, I continue to spend time where I don't necessarily want to and have little time to explore my own thoughts and interests.... and to rest. In my youth I was terrified of empty time - I was so lonely. If every minute was filled with activity I would have less time to face my loneliness. I think my current "busy-ness" stems a lot from those early years, but also from just wanting to touch, feel and explore so many things. I can't "know" something until I've experienced it, and there's so many intrigues! It's hard to say no to learning something new, so non-job hours get taken up with explorations - parenting, music, language, ancestors, gardening, cooking, nature, sewing, basket weaving, beading, parapsychology, spirituality, and now the newest, knitting.

One of those exploration is attending to my health, which is feeling like both an obligation and an interest. I spend three nights a week in various pursuits of physical strengthening and conditioning, and I continue to gain weight despite all the work. I think I am getting stronger, but it feels like the more time I put in, the less return I get on my investment. Many of the results are "invisible" of course, but we always want something tangible back for our precious time.

I don't know what I want in return for my time, but I'm feeling like it's all just a game. It just feels like spinning class - round and round and round and I haven't gone anywhere, and I'm exhausted. Perhaps expecting something in return for my time is causing the feeling of "not enough". Perhaps the perfectionist in me won't permit "less than" in anything I do and I will kill myself trying to experience everything and be at least moderately good at everything. There's so much to try, so much to explore, and feel, and wrap our heads around. Perhaps now wasting time talking about it keeps me in the victim role of never enough time. What relationship do you have to time?